Miscellaneous Masa'il

A few words of advice

1. It is an evil practice to "pick out" a person on his past practices. It is an evil habit of women that when past ill-feelings have been cleared and forgiven and a situation arises wherein they get into an argument again, they begin to repeat the past ill-feelings. This is a sinful act and at the same time it causes ill-feelings to settle into the heart again.

2. Don't ever complain about your in-laws when you go to your parents' house. Some of these complaints amount to sinning and this act of complaining is regarded as lack of patience on your part. In most situations this complaining results in ill-feelings between the two families. In the same way, do not speak in praise of your parents' house at your in-laws. At times this amounts to the sin of pride and haughtiness. Furthermore, the in-laws will get the impression that this daughter-in-law of theirs does not value and appreciate them. This would result in their not appreciating you.

3. Do not get into the habit of speaking excessively or else you would inevitably mention something that is inappropriate. The consequence of this is ill-feelings in this world and sinning in the hereafter.

4. As far as possible do not ask others to fulfil your tasks for you - fulfil them yourself. In fact, you should take up the tasks of others as well. In doing so, you will be rewarded and at the same time you will win over the person as well.

5. Don't ever converse with women who are in the habit of carrying tales from anywhere and everywhere. Do not even lend an ear to them. Listening to such conversations is sinful and could also lead to problems.

6. If you hear any complaints about your mother-in-law, sister-in-law (husband's sister), wife of husband's younger brother, wife of husband's elder brother, etc. then do not keep these complaints in your heart. It would be better for you to consider these complaints to be false and thereby remove them from your heart. If you are unable to do this, go up to the person who made all these complaints and clear all misunderstandings. In doing so, there is no room for further problems and misunderstandings.

7. Do not be too strict with your workers and domestic servants. Also keep a watchful eye on your children that they do not mock or trouble the servants and their children. They might not say anything out of fear or taking you into consideration, but you must remember that they will definitely curse you in their hearts. Even if they do not curse you, you will still be committing the crime of oppression and you will therefore be a sinner.

8. Do not waste your time in unnecessary and useless conversations. Set aside some time in which you teach the Quran and read Islamic literature to girls. If you are unable to do much, then after teaching the Quran you should at least read this book, Bahishti Zewar , to them from the beginning till the end. You should also give importance to teaching girls some sort of handicrafts irrespective of whether the girls are your own children or someone else's children. However, as long as they have not completed the recitation of the Quran, they should not engage in any other work. Once they have recited the Quran (early in the morning), they should clean themselves. Thereafter, commence teaching them. After they take a break and eat, give them writing exercises. Thereafter, teach them how to cook and sew.

9. Do not ask the girls who come to study under you to carry out your domestic tasks. At the same time, do not ask them to take care of your children. Instead, treat them as you would your own children.

10. Do not take upon any responsibilities merely for name and fame. This would be considered to be a sin and would result in many problems and difficulties.

11. When moving from one place to another or travelling to a certain place, do not make it necessary upon yourself that you have to change your shoes, clothing, wear new jewellery, etc. This is because it means that you are going into all these formalities so that people may consider you to be great. Having such an intention is sinful. Furthermore, this causes a delay in departing which results in many other problems. You should adopt humility and simplicity. Occasionally, go with the very clothes that you are wearing at home. If the clothes are very dirty, then change as quick as possible without going into too many formalities.

12. When arguing with anyone, do not find faults with the person's family or any of his dead relatives. This is a sinful act and at the same time causes ill-feeling.

13. When you have someone else's item, return it immediately after having used it. If you do not find anyone to return it at that time, do not mix it with your own items. Keep it separately and safely so that it does not get mislaid. It is not permissible to use another person's item without his permission.

14. Do not get into the habit of eating sumptuous meals. One does not remain in the same financial position all the time. If his position deteriorates, he has to undergo many difficulties.

15. Don't ever forget anyone's favour upon you irrespective of how insignificant it may be. At the same time, do not show off your favours irrespective of how big they may be.

16. When you have no work at all, the best thing to do is read a Deeni book. Don't ever read books that are harmful.

17. Don't ever shout and speak. How embarrassing it would be if your voice is heard outside?

18. If you have to wake up in the middle of the night and the rest of the house folk are asleep, do not shuffle about and do not walk around loudly. If you have awoken for a particular reason, why should you awaken the others as well? Do whatever you have to very silently.

19. Do not laugh and joke with your elders. It is a sign of disrespect. Do not be informal with low-minded persons because they would become disrespectful of you and cause you displeasure. Alternatively, they will display their arrogance elsewhere and thereby disgrace themselves.

20. Do not speak in praise of your family or your children in the presence of others.

21. If everyone stands up in a gathering, do not remain seated as this is considered to be a sign of pride and haughtiness.

22. If two persons are in disagreement (and not speaking to each other), do not mention anything to any of them whereby if they reconcile, it would cause embarrassment to you.

23. As long as your work can be accomplished through money or softness, do not adopt a hard approach or throw yourself into any difficult or dangerous situation.

24. Do not display your anger to anyone in the presence of your guests. This would cause your guest to become reserved and he would not be as "open" as he was prior to your anger.

25. Display good character to your enemy as well. In this way, his enmity towards you will not increase.

26. Do not allow pieces of bread to lie around. If you see any bread lying around, pick it up, clean it and eat it. If you are unable to eat it, give it to some animal. If the table cloth has bits and pieces of food on it, do not dust it at a place where people walk.

27. Once you have completed your meal, do not leave the food behind and get up. This is a sign of disrespect. Pick up all the dishes first and then get up.

28. Emphasise on your girls not to play with boys because this causes both of them to become mischievous. When boys who are outsiders come into the house, the girls should leave their presence even if these boys are small in age.

29. Do not joke physically (such as tickling) with anyone. In most cases this causes ill-feelings and at times the person is also physically hurt. Do not joke excessively to the extent that the other person becomes serious. This also causes disputes. It is extremely shameful to joke in the presence of guests, such as in the presence of one's wedding guests.

30. Do not sit in line with your elders. However, if they order you to do so for some reason or the other, then etiquette demands that you obey them.

31. When you borrow anything from anyone, keep it very safely. Once you have completed using it, send it back to him immediately. Do not wait for the person to ask you for it. There could be several reasons for his not asking for it: (i) he does not know whether you have completed using it or not, (ii) he is probably feeling it difficult to ask you for it, (iii) he probably forgot that you have that item in your possession. Later when he looks for it, how much of difficulty you will be imposing upon him? In the same way, if you are owing any money to anyone and you have some money, then pay it to that person immediately. Reduce your debt as much as you can and as quickly as you can.

32. If you have to walk at night for some reason or the other (and you have no alternative but to walk), then remove your anklets and other types of tinkling jewellery. Do not walk around with all this tinkling jewellery.

33. If someone is alone in the house or room and the door is closed, do not open the door and barge in. It is possible that the person is naked, exposed, or sleeping and you disturb him unnecessarily (by barging inside). Instead, call out the person's name in a soft tone and seek his permission to enter. If he permits you, enter. If not, remain silent and try again later on. However, if you have very urgent work with the person and he does not reply, then shout out his name until he wakes up. But as long as he does not answer you or does not call you inside, do not enter.

34. If you do not know a person (and you are engaged in a conversation with him), then do not speak ill of a particular place or a particular family, tribe, people, etc. It is possible that the person is from that place or belongs to that particular group of people. This would cause you great embarrassment.

35. In the same way, if you do not know who was the person who fulfilled a certain task, then do not say: "Which stupid did this?" or any other words of similar tone. It is possible that someone whom you respect and look up to carried out that task. This would also cause you great embarrassment.

36. If your child does something wrong (thereby inflicting harm on someone else), never take your child's part. It is worse to take sides with your child in his presence because this would cause your child to become spoilt.

37. When seeking to get your daughters married, look for a boy who has the fear of Allah and a religious temperament. It is such a person who can provide comfort to his wife. If the person is extremely wealthy but has no Deen in him, he will not fulfil his wife's rights nor will he be faithful to his wife. In fact he will not even give her any money. Even if he gives her any money, he will harass her more than what he gives her.

38. Stitch your name or any other sort of identification on your clothing so that it does not get mixed up with someone else's clothing. This would result in your wearing the other person's clothing and the latter wearing yours. This is a sinful act and also causes worldly harm.

39. It is the practice among the Arabs that when they wish to take something from a pious person (such as a spiritual guide or sufi shaykh ) for the sake of acquiring the blessings from him, they give this pious person one of their own belongings (such as a kurta, shawl, scarf, etc.). This pious person uses the item for a few days and gives it back to the person who had given it to him. The pious person has no hesitance in doing this. However, if twenty persons ask him for one of his own items, he will not be left with even a rag. Our Indian people unashamedly ask the pious persons for their clothing. This causes inconvenience to them. If we also adopt the practice of the Arabs it will be very good.

40. If a person expresses his opinion in a particular matter and you have an opinion contrary to his, then express your opinion. However, do not express your opinion and attribute it to someone else. This is because if the person goes and mentions it to that person (to whom you attributed a particular opinion), it would cause unnecessary ill-feelings.

41. Do not accuse anyone of anything on mere suspicion as this would cause great pain to the person.